How to Write About a Woman
Before you even
start writing, let out your aura and make every woman in your house feel that they
are oh so utterly blessed to have even just a whiff of you.
Embed the
overemotional, pathetic and clingy side of her in the character development
because let’s face it, when have you not seen a woman clingy? Since family
dramas are the ‘in’ genre, making her the family wrecker would win you a
bestseller and that’s when your wife and daughter will stand by your side with
hugs and kisses. And of course, a huge congratulations!
Don’t you dare
make the cover a woman with bitten nails, or a distraught face. Your publisher
won’t approve and neither will your readers. Subtle words must be used to describe
your woman character, that's if you incorporate a women in your book, to sky rocket her
self-esteem and this will be just good enough for the reader to believe that the
woman in your book had to overcome her weakness. Not a particular weakness,
other than, of course, being a woman. Repeat it as many times as it takes to
make her worship the global truth that she is fighting the battle every woman
is- it would be a pity to receive no pity.
Describe your
setting as a home sweet home with the wife in the kitchen cooking your favorite
meal and she has your children tucked in bed. And why should you feel blessed
after a stressful day when you have to do everything from finances to
paychecks. YOU are the blessing to the family.
Never shall you forget that
the woman in your novel will love to gossip about almost anything- from the
color of her morning excretion to the color of her baby’s excretion. And now
don’t say that changing diapers is such an amazingly hard job. It is a piece of
cake, just like every other small errand which can honestly be done with your butt on the chair.
There will be a
point in your book when the woman will be asked out, of course she won’t be
doing the asking out, and that’s when you make sure your male character buys
the most clichéd and stereotypical gifts for her- obviously assuming that she
will love it because which woman wouldn’t? Always present the woman as someone
shy and caring because the man will be the knight in shining armor to save her during the hardest times.
The one and only
dream of every woman is to have a husband with lovely kids. You fulfilled your
wife’s dream now it’s time to put that same dream on paper to remind the women
out there of what there dreams are made of. Describe in detail when she marries
the man of her dreams keeping it all surreal because when you look around the
only thing you can possibly see is a beautiful fairytale. Now copy paste this
scene of book for further use of paraphrasing in your upcoming books because as
an author, you job is to lead the women in the right path of dreams in every
single book. Over and over again.
Whilst
setting the mood of her in law’s house, make sure the woman acts brash and the
mother-in-law is unaccepting of go her because the universal rule is that in-laws can
never get along- especially women. Choose your words carefully so it almost
sounds like a sappy movie where the husband will have to make the biggest
decision of his life when the climax is approaching: choosing between his
mother and wife. After writing this and putting thoughts in women’s heads,
wonder where the women of your society develop such feelings about their
in-laws and vice verse, but that’s never the author’s fault because it is up to
the reader to look beyond the surface to search for a deeper meaning. A meaning
so deep that even the fish would suffocate.
After
the miraculous chapters of the in-laws drama and a settlement of the women
agreeing to look at each other, bring in the husband’s big heartedness in the
last few pages of the book. Make sure that he inspires his wife to take up a
job, obviously not because he is having a hard time paying the bills. When she receives
the job offer letter, announce the motivational talk you had with your wife so
they all know that behind every woman’s success, there is a man.
At
the ultimate end when your wife does get a promotion after working long nights,
congratulate her for the hard work and dedication she displayed. Unless you
assume that she slept her way to the top.
And this, my dear friend, is the prompt for
your second book.
How To Write About Indians
Do not forget to
mention the ‘bindi,’ ‘curry,’ and of course ‘arranged marriages,’ to define our
sole purpose in life. Keep in mind that we ride elephants and have an innate
talent of snake charming and this introduction will surely hook the readers.
Go
pickup your phone and call any call center because I can assure you that one of
my kind will be the one to it pick up because the entity of our population, 1.3 billion people,
work at call centers. And this is why your main character SHOULD work at a call
center, or the IT sector, either one works fine as long as you maintain the
authenticity of the nature of our given jobs. Now out of such a vast population surely
all of us speak ‘Hindu,’ so don’t even bother building up the character’s
background because it will be a waste of your pages. Wait, isn’t Hindu a religion? Doesn’t
matter- same difference.
Remember to
mention the infamous Bollywood industry where every damn movie is 3 hours long
and all we ever do is sing, dance and shake our heads. No wonder I perpetually
feel like I’ve sprained my neck. Constantly ask us about how to meditate and do
yoga because that is what our lifestyle is about. Feel proud that you know Diwali
is the festival of lights and equate it to your Christmas because we most
definitely do not celebrate any other festivals. And how could you forget our
love for cows because after all we DO worship and idolize them.
Ask me about my ‘Slumdog
Millionaire’ life and preach me a bit of that Gandhi because that is what will
land you a bestseller.
No comments:
Post a Comment